


gravity on my heart

by rooneysrose



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Childhood Friends, Dean/Cas Reverse Bang 2019, Divorce, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, F/M, Family Issues, Firefighter Dean Winchester, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Single Parent Castiel (Supernatural), Unhealthy Relationships, alternative universe, mentions of fire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-03-17 12:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18964891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rooneysrose/pseuds/rooneysrose
Summary: When a fire destroys Cas’s home and almost takes his daughter with it, he’s left with no place to go. Faith comes from an unexpected corner when Dean, former best friend and firefighter, offers them a place in his home.





	1. the fire

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Art for Gravity On My Heart](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19102402) by [DeancebraArt](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeancebraArt/pseuds/DeancebraArt). 



> After a multiple year break on my old account, I'm ready to start things off a new with the deancas reverse bang. I'm very excited to share this fic with you, inspired by this beautiful piece by deancebra (you can find her amazing art [here on ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19102402) and [here on tumblr](https://deancebra-art.tumblr.com/post/185401803223/for-this-years-reversebang-i-got-my). It was a pleasure working with you!
> 
> Many thanks to d_claiborne, the love of my life who listened through all my rambles, plotted this fic with me, wrote with me and beta'd this monster for me. It couldn't have been this without you darling. Thank you again ❤️

 

 

_“Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open,_

_it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's too much_

_gravity on my heart.”_

– **Sarah Ockler,** _Twenty Boy Summer_

 

• • •

 

Claire was finally fast asleep in his arms. Just the thought of having her sleep in the cot had made his heart skip a beat. Cas was almost afraid that she’d get away from him; that it would mean not keeping an eye on her properly. She seemed to sense it too, kept crying when she was in her bed by herself. Only when he held her would she settle and fall asleep.

Neither the cot nor his arms seemed to be good options when she was hooked up to the machines though. In the crib, she cried and made the alarms go off every couple of minutes. When she slept in his arms, she kept finding ways to kick the wires off. Both were much to the dismay of the nurses who had to come back and check on them. Eventually, she’d fallen asleep and they’d cleared her. Finally, she could sleep with just the oxygen monitor on her foot.

After she fell asleep, he put the bottle to the side and let her lay in his arms. He took her in his arms the moment she had woken up for her feed. Staring at his daughter, at her little relaxed face, he couldn’t imagine losing her. Her face, dark with soot and red with upset, kept coming to his mind.

In the emergency room, they’d put her through enough examinations. Her lungs had sounded clear and her heart had sounded good. Her oxygen stats had seemed to be stable and good even then. It had meant the monitoring wouldn’t be _as_ important, even if they definitely still needed to keep an eye out. After they got out of the ER and admitted onto the ward, he’d been able to give her a bath and get all of the soot off of her.

Cas hated the thought that he should probably leave the room so he could call around. He had to see if there was someone who could give them a place to stay for the next couple of days. Weeks, maybe - long enough for them to be able to figure out how to move on from here. He didn’t know what to do about it, either, what options there were for them.

There was only one thing that managed to distract him from thinking about all the maybes. It was Claire, still asleep in his arms. She looked the same as always now that she was cleaned up. She was still herself. At least she was a constant right now. He couldn’t wait to take her home, and feel at peace too.

 _Home._ Cas didn’t know where that was right now. Home felt like a foreign concept when your home was now no more than a pile of ashes that almost buried your daughter. Chills ran up his spine just thinking about it. She might as well not have been here. She might have been gone.

“Let’s just get through the night, Claire,” he mumbled, “we’ll see where we go from there.”

 

 

Despite the clean and clinical feel of the hospital and the smell of disinfectant everywhere, he still smelled the burning. There was still the sense that something was on fire, that there was smoke in the air. He kept looking around, wondering, waiting. Looking for the smoke, looking for the heat of the flames.

His clothes still smelled like it, but there was nothing else he could wear. They’d shown him to the showers, so that he could feel a bit cleaner at least. Having to put his dirty clothes on didn’t help it much tough. The hospital had given him a onesie for Claire, but they didn’t have anything except the hospital gowns for him. He’d have to get through until he could get something.

At least, as far as he knew, the car was still okay. He knew they had a diaper bag in the trunk with some clothes and diapers. She’d be clean and in her own clothes. He would have to look further, look for a goodwill, see if he could borrow something from someone. At least for a little bit.

His smokey clothes were better than a hospital gown with his ass on show, even if that would at least be clean.

 

 

He texted a couple of people during the night, the people he knew would still be up. All of them came back with the same answer: they were really sorry but it just wasn’t possible right now. There was one more person he could call — two, technically, but he would rather avoid calling the last.

In the end he had no choice. Cas called Charlie, his second to last option once the sun was up, standing outside of the building. It had been a struggle to get himself to get up and go, leave Claire with the nurses. She was in good hands, he knew. They assured him she would be safe. Secretly, he thought, they were glad that he was out for a little bit.

Part of him wanted to light a cigarette and relax for a couple of minutes. But the thought of having a flame so close to his skin made his skin crawl. He lit it anyway, but put it out seconds after. It was too soon. He couldn’t.

He must have woken Charlie up, because she sounded groggy as she told him how sorry she was for what had happened. She couldn’t keep them in her house. She was doing some gigs in the evenings and didn’t have the space to house someone else. Especially not a baby.

“Anything else, Cas, and I’ll do it,” she promised him, before they hung up the phone and she went back to sleep. He couldn’t blame her - part of him wished that he could do so, too. But he couldn’t, he was too wide awake, despite the lack of sleep.

He called Gabriel on his way back inside. It was that that he hadn’t wanted to do. Even though he and his brother didn’t necessarily had a bad relationship, they still hadn’t talked in months. He didn’t want the only times that they called to be because one of them needed something. The last time they talked, he’d helped his brother move to his new house. As much as the move was tense and different, it had felt nice to connect with someone. That was the last time he’d seen anyone in their family. Still, he expected the call to go to voicemail.

“Hello?” His brother, too, sounded sleepy, but the hum of the car engine in the background told him that at least he had already been awake.

“Hey, Gabe,” he mumbled. “Something happened.”

 

 

Gabriel showed up half an hour later, after a quick text to ask which room they were in. He told Cas he’d been on his way to work, but drove back for some stuff and called his boss that he’d be late today.

On the phone, he’d said that there was no way that they could stay at his place, it was too cluttered and there was no room. It wasn’t an environment for a baby to be in, even if he’d had a baby in the house not even a year earlier. Cas had his ideas about why he refused, and respected them. It couldn’t have been easy on his brother. He did promise to help them out, to drive them around, maybe help financially a little bit. It still wouldn’t be enough for them to stay in a motel, but it would be something.

Gabe stood awkwardly in the door now, not speaking as Cas changed Claire’s diaper.

“They cleared her,” Cas said as he put a new diaper under her. “Told me just as I came back to the room.” It had been a pleasant surprise, the first inkling of good news after the last couple of hours.

“Can you just leave?” Gabriel asked, stepping closer to him, holding out a bag to him. “I don’t know if any of this will fit her, but.” It had been Adam’s, Cas knew. “It’s just what we still had. We wanted to throw it out but it didn’t feel right.”

Gabe didn’t talk about him a lot. After it happened, it became an unspoken rule not to bring it up. Cas remembered too clearly the way it had affected his brother in the months afterwards. How much it had hurt Gabe when they announced that Meg was pregnant.

Cas hoped his brother would be okay with seeing Claire in it, that it wouldn’t be too much of a memory. He didn’t complain though. Cas was thankful for anything not hospital or not smelling of smoke. Anything that could take the memories away from him.

“Who even chose the bag?” Cas remarked questioningly. The diaper bag was the girliest that Cas had ever seen, better fit to Claire than Adam. “But, yes. All the paperwork was settled just before you got here. We can leave.”

“The birth mother originally bought it. She didn’t want it anymore if she didn’t want him.” Gabe shrugged. “Didn’t want extra reminders for things he’d used, I guess. And I figured you can use it for now.”

“Yeah.” He hated the reason why. “I’m sorry, Gabe--”

“It’s okay.” It was clear that it wasn’t. “Let’s just get out of here, I hate this place.”

 

 

They got to the house — or what was left of it — around eight am. With the morning sun resting on the remains, it was clear just how much damage there was. There was barely anything left. The skeleton still stood, without windows and doors. The once beautiful grey paneling had turned dark black.

It made Cas’s heart drop in his chest, seeing it like this. This was _theirs._ It was where they’d brought Claire home for the very first time and where they’d spent their wedding night. It was where he was supposed to teach Claire how to walk and talk and where he and Meg were supposed to grow old. They were supposed to dance around, all three of them, laughing and goofing out. _That won’t happen now._

“Shit, man.” Gabriel was silent, just looked at the remains, his eyes fixed. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

Without wanting to, Cas clutched the handle of the carrier a little tighter in his hand. “I’m sorry too.” He didn’t know what to say. In the darkness, it had all seemed _less_ somehow. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he’d hoped there would be _more_ now. That it could be restored, built up again. That maybe things wouldn’t be as bad. Maybe something could be salvaged. “We’ll have to go some place for a while.”

“What about Meg?”

Cas hadn’t told his brother yet, hadn’t had the heart to say that she’d walked out on them, that he was still hoping for her to come back to them.

“She left, a couple of weeks ago.” He shook his head. “I. I can take if from here Gabe - thank you. I just need to be alone for a little bit.”

“Of course.” His brother seemed to want to answer, to say something, ask, but decided against it. Cas was glad for it. Talking about Meg was the last thing he wanted to do. Gabriel left some stuff with him, knowing he’d need them. “Call me?”

“I will,” Cas promised. He watched as his brother drove off, before going to the garage and opening the side door. He’d been lucky in that prospect, that the flames didn’t get to the garage. When they’d gotten the place, he hadn’t been sure why it was so far away from the house. The real estate agent hadn’t been able to tell him either, just a quirk in the building.

He couldn’t say just how glad he was now about that quirk. There was some soot on the car and some of the things they stored in the garage because of the smoke getting in. Apart from that, everything seemed to be okay.

 

 

The first thing Cas did was pull out the stroller, so Claire could at least sleep more comfortably. He then swiftly got to work, checking the stuff in the car, taking inventory of what got messed up because of the fire. Some of the things were too damaged, smelled too much like smoke for them to keep. He didn’t mind it so much for old textbooks, but for some of the unopened wedding gifts, and even some of the pictures they took when Meg was pregnant with Claire, he did. He felt his heart break in little pieces, watching the now soot-covered face of his newborn daughter. Some of their spare bottles had been in the garage as well, and with some washing up, they’d be useable. At least he had something for her.

He didn’t know when the other car pulled up, hadn’t heard the tires, hadn’t noticed anything until a vaguely familiar voice spoke from behind him.

Cas turned around, surprised.

It took him a moment to recognize Dean Winchester, standing behind him. He hadn’t seen him in years, and even though he hadn’t changed a lot, Cas hadn’t expected him there. Of all the moments, he wondered why now. Why show up now, when things were going to crap for him.

 _He was the fireman that got her out._ The realisation dawned on him suddenly, seeing Dean’s tired face and the soot in his hair. Last night, Cas had been too into finally being able to hold his daughter and the pure anxiety that came with her being trapped inside. For all he’d known, the president could’ve walked up to him and handed her over and he wouldn’t have noticed.

“Hey,” Cas mumbled, looking up from where he was perched on the floor. He was too shaken with the sudden realisation, he didn’t quite know what to say. “I’m -” His face still looked dirty in a way, even if Cas was sure he’d taken a shower before leaving the station.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean threw him a half smile. “Didn’t expect to see you again like this.”

“Me neither.” He really, really hadn’t. They’d always been good friends, from the moment they met. They’d been seven and Cas had just moved to the neighborhood. Within weeks, the boys became best friends. Whenever you saw Cas, Dean wasn’t too far off and vica versa.

Cas had moved away again during their final year of high school, because his parents job took them all over. Somehow, they hadn’t kept in touch, Cas didn’t know why.

“How are you holding up?”

“I mean. The house is in ruins and I have no clue how I’m going to pay for a motel for more than a few weeks.” It came out harsher and more bitter than he’d intended to. Dean had done nothing wrong, he shouldn’t take it out on him. In fact, he’d been the saviour for him in more than one way. “Not great, but we’re trying and figuring something out.” He was attempting to, at least.

He had forgotten to thank Dean yesterday, too. In the moment, everything was happening so fast: the cars arriving, the upstairs windows smashing, the house’s groans under the fire, but most of all his daughter coming out of the flames in the arms of a firefighter.

“Thank you.” He didn’t know what else to say. He could have lost her. But because of Dean, he didn’t. “You.” He shook his head. “You saved her life.”

“My pleasure.” Dean had a compassionate smile on his lips. He looked tired, but then again, he must have been working the entire night. “I’m sorry, I know it’s not easy. Can you go to your parents? Family?”

“I’ve called everyone I know.” Cas had. Even if he hadn’t called, he had sent them messages. “And my parents… no.” He could barely stand to be in the same room as them, let alone live with them for a while. “I don’t think that’s an option at all.”

“What about Charlie, are you guys still friends?” Charlie had been one of the only people he’d kept in contact with, mostly because she had kept messaging him and bugging him. He’d enjoyed that she did regardless.

“She can’t.” Claire stirred from her nap, but didn’t wake up. The movement was enough to take Dean’s attention away from him for a moment, something Cas was thankful of. “I called her this morning. I don’t think I have anyone. The motel is the only option.” But a single dad doesn’t make enough to be in a motel for weeks until he finds something to rent.

“I know it’s not ideal,” Dean started. “But Sam had a kid almost a year ago. The little one stays with me from time to time, so I have some baby stuff in the house. A lot of it doesn’t fit Ruby anymore, so I figure they might work for Claire. It should be enough for you two to stay without completely breaking the bank. If it’d help you out, you’re welcome, man.”

Cas didn’t know what to say to that. It was an amazing offer. He couldn’t refuse something like that. Even though it was more than he deserved, from someone who hadn’t spoken to him in years.

“You’d save me twice in 24 hours.”

 

 

 

Dean drove the way, Cas following behind him in his own car. Half an hour later, they were at Dean’s place. Dean helped him with setting up the travel cot for Claire and quickly showed them the spare bedroom before he went to bed.

If Cas was honest, it was a damned good idea. It felt like he hadn’t slept in weeks. The adrenaline of the previous night had kept him up for long, but now that he sat on a strange bed, in a strange house, with his daughter sleeping next to him, all he wanted was to get some sleep himself.


	2. the nightmare

Waking up in a strange bed felt odd to Cas. For a moment, he thought he was at home. Nothing had happened and he had just had a bad dream. In his drowsy, sleep-drunk state, he reached for Meg. Somehow, even after weeks, he’d expected her to be asleep next to him.

He grasped at empty sheets, his hand falling off the edge of the single bed. It all came raining down on him like a thunderstorm breaking through: the fire, the memories of her leaving, everything.

In a panicked moment, he looked for Claire, didn’t know where she was. It was only then that he heard her soft whimpers and saw her in the fold-out crib flush against to the bed that he calmed down. She was safe. Unhappy? Yes. But safe, and that was what felt most important to Cas.

“Come here, baby,” he mumbled before picking her up out of the crib. She was doing her pouty mouth, tears ready to spill onto her cheeks, her face red. “I’m sorry, Claire.” He glanced over to the clock before pressing her close to him. It was almost ten am.

It meant he’d barely slept two hours, but even those two hours felt like refreshment compared to the zero he’d gotten before. They made him feel less like a wreck, more like a human.

She had to be hungry. He’d fed her at the hospital, but her schedule had been thrown off so much by the fire and all the commotion. Usually, she’d be up at nine, ready to get a new diaper and some milk to satisfy her hungry belly.

 

 

 

It was when Cas was downstairs, feeding Claire that Dean walked down the steps. Cas barely heard him come down, got spooked when he was suddenly behind him making coffee with a very sleepy expression on his face.

“How did you sleep?” Dean asked after taking a sip of the too hot coffee. The steam was still coming off of the cup and Cas wondered _how_ Dean could drink it. _‘He’s a firefighter, Cas, he’s been through hotter things than a cup of coffee.’_

It dawned on Cas that it had been years since he’d seen him like this. When they were younger, they’d had plenty of sleepovers, where mom Winchester would make them pancakes in the morning if it was the weekend, or they would rush out of the house to go school. Even as a kid, Dean’s hair had been tousled just like this with one side of his hair flat as a board and the other standing up in the oddest angles when he got out of bed in the morning.

Even as a kid, Cas had been mesmerised by it. Then, when things changed between them, he’d thought it was cute. Right now, with Dean clutching the cup in his hands, he couldn’t help but think it was still cute. Especially in this house. Somehow, the cluttered atmosphere fit Dean. It was a mix of Mary’s nick-nacks everywhere and a cleaner, more indie feel. As much as Cas hadn’t expected it from Dean, he liked it.

“Not enough,” he sighed, shifting the bottle as Claire began to moan in his arms. “What about you? I hope that Claire didn’t wake you up? You didn’t sleep a lot.”

“She didn’t - I usually don’t sleep that well after a job with kids.” He took a sip from the mug. “I’ll probably sleep more on the couch or something, sorry in advance. Working 24 hours at a time kills me sometimes.”

“It’s okay.” Cas would probably do the same, take a nap when Claire went down after her bottle. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” Dean admitted. “How are you holding up? It’s not easy right after-”

“It’s okay right now. I hate that I have no clothes, but that’s all.” He’d pushed back any feelings about the fire to the back of his mind. Cas didn’t want to think about anything but the fact that he was holding his daughter and that she was okay. His mind was still looking for Meg, but that too he had pushed to the side. It didn’t deserve to be there. Not right now.

He didn’t want to talk about the way his heart skipped a beat at any weird noise or how he was still smelling the smoke even though they were hours and miles away from the place. How he felt uncomfortable in his own clothes.

“I’ll see if I can lend you something.”

 

 

Two hours later, Claire was asleep again, they were having lunch and Cas had new clothes. Dean’s clothes felt awkward on him: they hugged where his didn’t, and were baggy in different places. Things between them still felt awkward, too. He somehow hadn’t expected them to.

After being friends for so long, it almost seemed natural, to bounce back. To talk for hours and catch each other up. To instantly be friends again.

That shit was reserved for movies, he realised now. Things didn’t magically feel okay. Yes, they felt awkward. Just sitting at the table together, Dean’s cat asleep on the window sill, made the air feel thick with tension. He could almost cut it.

“How’s Sam?” Cas asked eventually, the silence too much for his system. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen him.”

“He’s good.” Dean threw him a soft grin. “Married now, they have a little baby girl. She’s turning one next month and you know him. They’re planning a nice get together and a cake smash and god knows what. For a baby.” Cas couldn’t help but smile at that image. “Do you remember Jess?”

Cas did remember Jess. She’d been in Sam’s year in school and while they didn’t see a lot of each other, they’d talked a little. “So they actually got together?”

“Yeah. She got pregnant pretty quickly after too,” Dean shook his head. “Married too, you know? Mom and I were scared, because you know Sam - sometimes he gets in head over heels. But they work great together: she keeps him on his toes, she keeps her motivated to finish school. She was seven months pregnant, her feet were swollen and her back hurt, but it was a beautiful day.”

“I’m happy for him.” And Cas had to admit, he _was_ happy for Sam. Sam had always been a good egg. Yes, he had some troubles and no, he wasn’t always the trophy son. But no one really was. In which household was there really a golden kid? Not in his. Not in the Winchester’s. Not in any that he knew.

“Me too, you know.” Dean looked at him then. “What happening with you? How has life been?”

“Busy,” Cas admitted. “I plunged from college into work into marriage into having a baby.” _Into divorce._ He hated the thought of it. Soon, Meg wouldn’t be his wife anymore. The paperwork would be processed and he would be out for the count. He forced himself to say the words. “Before you ask, it didn’t last. We all wanted different things. Meg and I didn’t - I thought we worked, but she let me know that we didn’t.”

She had packed up her bags late one night when he was working overtime, brought Claire over to the office with the excuse that she needed to run an errand and couldn’t take her with her, and left. He’d never been so angry. So hurt. Cas couldn’t describe what he had felt those first days.

“I’m sorry, man.”

“It happens.” He didn’t know if the coolness remained in his voice, or if he was just dreaming it. “She left her daughter and her husband. The paperwork is almost done now, I just need to drop it off at the post office-” _Oh._ Shit.

“What?”

“It was in the house.” The realisation dawned on Cas then. The thought that he would have to file for them all over again, bring his pen to the page again, _fight_ himself again to put the signatures on it.

“Oh.” Dean realised it at the same moment that he did. “What will you have to do?”

Truth was, he didn’t know what to do. He guessed he needed to call her again and explain and see if she could file the paperwork again. See if she could arrange for it to be sent his way again. He hated it with all that he had.

“I don’t know. If anything, it’s not the most important thing.” He had to get the insurance taken care of, he had to figure out how he could continue to work and look after Claire, figure out where they would stay in the long run. Yes, Dean was letting them stay for now, but he couldn’t continue to do that until the house was rebuilt, or until he somehow got the credit to rent out a new place.

Just thinking about it made Cas’s heart clench. He didn’t know what he was doing, didn’t know what kind of things to take into account. Didn’t know where to go with what information.

“I’ll need to make a call to insurance.” It should be covered. With a house that old, they’d taken care to take insurance out on it, specifically for fires. Meg had always had a feeling something might happen. Sure, they hadn’t known what; she simply hadn’t seemed to trust the house.

Later, after she left, he realised that it’d been because she never wanted to live there with him in the first place. She didn’t see it as her home. To her, it was nothing more than a house she spent the days in and couldn’t be out of quick enough.

The house had been a home to Cas. To Cas, it had meant a warm and comfy place, where he could relax on the couch with his wife. Where he could have a glass of wine with her and watch a movie, or sit outside and talk. Where he felt like he could be whoever he wanted to be.

It hadn’t been that for her, and somehow, realising that afterwards _hurt._ It was like a slap to the face, a cold shower. He didn’t think he’d ever truly realised that, not until this. Not until this happened.

“Hey, I’m tired,” he mumbled, looking away from Dean, who now had his cat on his lap. “Would it be okay if I go and have a nap?”

“Of course, man.”

Cas ignored the slightly worried expression on Dean’s face, and walked up the stairs to the bedroom.

 

 

Cas woke up in the darkness of Dean’s guest room, the clock blinking 04:26 pm back at him. He didn’t know what woke him up, everything was silent. Almost too silent. The ticking of the clock was the only sound he could hear. Not his daughter’s calming breathing, or the sound of cars racing by.

He hadn’t noticed it the first time around, but he would need some time to get used to the silence of the room and the house. Their house had been right next to the train tracks. Even during the nights, he could hear the loud rumble of the transport trains, the horns blaring.

 

 

Cas still felt uncomfortable, as if something was out of place. A force pulled him to the crib, told him: check on her. He didn’t know why it was there but it was. She should be just stirring in her bed, probably asking for a bottle. Even with her schedule messed up, she should be doing it. She really _should_ be, but she was not and that freightened Cas.

It was with fear in his heart that made him get out of bed and take a few steps to the crib. It struck him as odd, that it was there now. He couldn’t remember moving it before going to sleep. He’d liked that it was next to the bed, how he could keep an eye on her.

His heart skipped a beat when he reached it; he was almost afraid to look down. There was an anxiety there that he hadn’t anticipated. _She is fine. Still deep asleep. She has eaten later than usual. She is just still deep asleep. Claire is fine._ He told himself the words over and over and over until he could not imagine not thinking it.

He had thought he would scream. Instead he just stared at the little white hand holding her teddy bear, the pacifier half out of her mouth. She was covered in soot. Lips blue, skin pale, eyes staring.

It was then he smelled the smoke. The all too familiar smoke. It was then that he heard the crackling of flames, could feel the heat of them. They were licking at the door, the smoke quickly billowing from underneath it. He reached for his daughter, his heart beating out of his chest, arms trembling. His lungs aching, closing in on him.

She was cold, so terribly cold. Her body hung limp in his arms, the teddybear fallling to the ground, pacifier now fully out of her mouth. He made his way to the door, almost burned his hand trying to touch it. It was searing. Soon, it too would go up in flames.

All he had was the window. It hadn’t popped yet, he could open it. Sure, they were one floor up, but he could protect her. She would be okay.

_Please someone catch my girl. Please someone catch us._

He stood there, ready to let himself fall. He felt gravity pulling at his body, pulling it down, down, down. He had to, he had to keep them safe, he had to.

_Help_ , he wanted to scream, but no words came out. He jumped.

 

 

Words did come out of Cas’s mouth, and the startling realisation that he no longer was falling struck him as odd. For a moment, he had to orient himself, from the bright light of the room to the hands at his shoulders, Dean’s worried face just inches from his. The clock, blinking back 04:26 pm in red lights. His daughter, sleeping in the co-sleeper next to him. Clean. Breathing. Not even aware that something had happened. She wasn’t blue, she was happy, _healthy_. She was okay. She was okay. She was okay.

“Are you okay?” Dean sounded worried, half out of breath as if he’d run up the stairs to come see if something was going on. _No, no I’m not okay. I’m not._

“Yeah, sorry. I’m. Nightmare.” His heart was still beating in his chest. He felt like he’d ran a marathon in his sleep. “I’m okay.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Cas didn’t. Not really. The images were still too vivid in his brain. He couldn’t deal with talking about it just yet. Not with Dean, not barely hours after they had met again.

“Maybe later? I’m sorry.”

“No, of course.” Dean squeezed his shoulder. “Come downstairs, with me, have a drink.”

 

 

They drank coffee on the couch while the news played in the background. Even if they didn’t really talk much, it helped. Being with someone again was grounding, somehow. Maybe it was that Dean had essentially saved him. Maybe it was that Dean had been the one to pull his daughter out.

Cas felt safe with Dean. Trusted Dean with his life. It had been a while since he felt this comfortable in a house. After Meg had left, the house felt strange and foreign, like a language he didn’t know, that he couldn’t learn. The one who made it home had left.

Maybe it was just the company he had needed. Not being alone with a crying baby that wanted things all the time. Maybe it was that. He truly didn’t know. He didn’t know a lot right now.


	3. meg

After four days of being in Dean’s house, it almost felt as if they’d never been apart. The first time Cas had been alone felt awkward, like being in a stranger’s house.

He’d gone out two days ago to the office, to get things sorted, pick up some paperwork. They allowed him to work from home for now, understanding that he had a lot to deal with. Some arrangements had to be made to make it possible. He’d been set up with a replacement laptop, since his had gone down with the house. They ordered a brand new one for him, but for now, the replacement had to do.

It had been a comfort in the least, to have that again, be there again, even if it was only for a little bit. He had never thought that work would become comforting to him. Yet, somehow, it had turned out to be a comfort, the one thing that had seemed to stay the same.

He couldn’t stay with Dean forever. As much as it was a safe haven to stay right now, there were things Cas had to settle. He had to restart his life, he couldn’t wait forever.

 

 

Claire was back at the house with Dean and Cas kept telling himself that is was fine. Even though his heart had been heavy when leaving, he trusted Dean. It was only for an hour or two, they’d be back together soon.

For a moment, he couldn’t comprehend what the insurance clerk told him. Cas just stared at the tired face, _confused._

“We’re sorry,” he repeated, “but without your wife’s signature, we’re afraid we can’t proceed with the claim.” _His wife._

“We’re currently in a divorce-” Cas didn’t want to talk to her, didn’t even know if she’d reply to his calls. His heart felt heavy at the thought he’d have to see her again, in real life; at the thought that she could be terrible about it and want some of the money. That she could state it in the paperwork. Maybe she would be terrible and suddenly demand that she wanted Claire away from him and only in her life. “It will be difficult to get in touch with her.”

“I advise that you get her to sign the paperwork.” The clerk shook his head compassionately. “I get that it is difficult, but it’s the easiest way.”

 

 

Cas drove back home with a head that felt like it would explode. It was full of thoughts that he’d been trying to keep at bay for the past couple of days. He didn’t want to think about the confrontation with his wife or about the possibility that he would see her and fall in love with her all over again.

Cas didn’t want to see her sweet smile, the way her lips curled up when she really meant it, the way she was when she was in a really good mood. He didn’t want to see the slight wave in her hair when she forgot to blow dry it. The way her shirts now clung gently on her belly, where it hadn’t quite gone back from the pregnancy. What if it would bring back the love? What if he wanted her in his life again?

He didn’t think he was ready to face that. Not yet. He’d not gotten over her and the confrontation would only bring everything back. He was almost sure of it. Almost.

 

 

He knocked on Dean’s apartment door, still deep in thought. He’d barely been conscious of the drive there. Didn’t remember parking the car, or even walking up the steps to the door. Didn’t remember unbuttoning his coat.

He felt like an idiot, knocking on the door to a house he now was calling his home, even if it was only temporary. He should be able to unlock the door, just go in. Cas felt too awkward asking for the key, though. As if he was asking for something he wasn’t supposed to have.

Cas would need it, if he wanted to go out to the grocery store when Dean wasn’t there or when he was on duty. He couldn’t stay cooped up in the house, not forever. He had to be able to take his daughter out for walks or go to a park, or anything at all.

“Hey,” Dean said quietly, opening the door for him. “She fell asleep in the bouncer.” His hair was tousled in the way that made Cas wonder if he’d taken a nap when she did. “She’s been an angel, though. Very different from Ruby when she was younger. She’d scream your ears off.”

“I’m glad,” Cas admitted, before falling onto the couch. He was tired all of a sudden. The kind of tired that he didn’t quite know how to explain. Once upon a time, the word bouncer had meant something very different to them. Instead of being a thing for babies, they’d guarded clubs when they went out. Somehow, it felt like that had been years ago now.

“How was it?” Dean settled down in the single seater next to the couch.

Cas didn’t know what to say, how to even start with explaining the mess that his life was just about to become.

“Do you think I could maybe get a spare key?” He asked instead, despite Cas feeling like an idiot because of it. “Just so I don’t always have to knock, or stay in when you’re out. It would be nice.”

Dean’s cheeks actually flushed. “Of course. I meant to, but then I forgot.” He got up and came back with a set of keys on a _best firefighter_ keychain. “You can put them on something else if you mind. I thought it might be easy to have them on something.”

“Thank you.”

They didn’t talk about it further that night, Dean took the hint. Cas knew that he shouldn’t push it off forever - he should call her and let her know. In all forms of the way, it still was her house too, right now. As fucked up as it felt. He should tell her.

But he couldn’t, not tonight. It had been too much, too long a day. The thought of adding that confrontation to his list of things to do was too much.

 

 

Cas called her after Dean had left for work the next day. Just hearing the ring of the phone made his stomach turn uncomfortably. Would her voice still be the same as it was? Or would it somehow have changed? Would the tone somehow be different?

It occurred to him that he didn’t even know where she lived right now - if she was still living in the same state. She could have moved, gone far away.

He wouldn’t blame her if she had. If she’d wanted to put everything behind and start a new life. She’d made it seem with the way she left that they were just a blip in her existence. Something to just take out like trash. He couldn’t keep himself from glossing over that part, almost ignoring that she had. Yes, he hated it, but at the same time, he loved her. He probably still loved her.

“The number you’re trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please leave-” He had expected her to pick up, but still, it hurt. Not even her voice - a random computer telling him.

“Hey, Meg. Something has happened. Can you call me back? It’s important.” He didn’t care for a second that he didn’t go into more detail, that he could worry her.

She might be worried. She could be thinking something happened to Claire.

_She left. Without saying anything. Just left the wedding ring with the divorce papers. She deserves this._

 

 

Cas called her again the next day, and the next and the next. Eventually a week had gone by and he was _tired._ All he was trying to do was get his life back on the rails, get things going. Without her, he couldn’t do anything. She was the one who was preventing him from gettig some feedback, kept him from being able to move on.

Eventually, after a week, she picked up. He didn’t know if what was worse. The fact that she hadn’t called him back all week, or the fact that a sleepy, other woman answered the phone instead of his almost ex-wife.

“Hello?”

“Is Meg there?”

“Yeah.” He heard some shuffling, the ruffling of sheets. Meg’s soft chuckle and a sleepy voice asking the stranger who picked up who it was. “Excuse me? Who is this.”

“Just tell her her house burned down.” Hearing the other woman had made something in him click. Made something grow cold inside him. He barely got to listen as the woman told Meg, but heard her taking over the phone.

“Cas? I have you on speaker.”

“Meg.” God, he sounded bitter. More bitter than he’d thought he would be. “Did she tell you?” He bit back the urge to ask who the girl was. Why she was with someone else so quickly after. If she’d been there all along, if that had been why she left.

“What happened?” Cas had to give it to her, she actually sounded worried. “Are you okay?”

“Electrical fire. The entire house burned to a crisp.” Are _you_ okay. She actually made it sound as if just he was supposed to be okay. Didn’t ask about her daughter. “I’m fine. Claire had to be in hospital for a night but she’s fine. It’s not why I called, though.”

“Why did you?” He heard a whispered ask who Claire was from the other side and a hushed _‘I’ll explain later’._ Whoever her new girl toy was, she didn’t even know about them. About the fact that Meg was still married. That she had a daughter.

“The insurance needs your signature before they can pay out a claim.” But that wasn’t the only thing he needed from her. That wasn’t the only thing he needed to ask her. “I’ll need you to send the divorce papers again--it burned along with the house.”

It was silent on the other end of the line. “You hadn’t signed the paperwork yet?” Cas was aware of the fact that it had been a couple of weeks. “Of course you hadn’t.”

“Listen, I am not calling you to get yelled at.” He didn’t have the energy to fight with her. Not with Claire starting to stir in her bassinette. “I just need you to get the paperwork my way and come sign the papers. Why didn’t you call me back?”

“I didn’t feel like talking to my ex-husband.” She was getting annoyed with him, it was easy to hear in her voice. After being together for as long as they had, he could tell the subtle shifts in her voice. “Sorry, I guess.” He wondered if her new girlfriend knew it yet, the changes in her tone. If she had reason to know them yet.

“No, Meg. Just, it’s all I ask of you. Get me the papers? Maybe come around to sign the insurance stuff? I’ll text you the address.” He didn’t give her a chance to say anything before hanging up.

 

 

Dean came home around eight, with soot still clinging to his hair and the bags under his eyes clear. In the past weeks, they’d settled into a little routine. Cas would make him breakfast, get coffee ready and make sure he could have a quick meal before going up to bed.

Some days, they stayed up until nine and talked about what happened that night. Especially if Dean had had a rough fire. Cas remembered when someone in his team had gotten trapped under a beam that had fallen down. He’d broken his leg, but gotten lucky with that being his only injury.

Dean had still been shook by it, and had taken an hour just sitting there, staring at his cup of coffee, before he’d started on the toast and even then, they barely talked. Dean didn’t say anything before going to bed, and ignored it afterwards.

Cas didn’t know if it was his place to mention it, or talk about it. He didn’t know if he should be the one bringing it up. If Dean didn’t want to talk about it, he shouldn’t be prying. If Dean wanted to share, he would.

But what if he didn’t? What if he needed Cas to ask for him to talk about things? What if Cas needed the same?


	4. talk isn't easy

It was a couple days later that Dean eventually asked him what was happening with the insurance paperwork. Dean had known that Cas had gone and had also known that Cas had promised to talk about it.

They were sitting outside, the sun warmer and nicer than Cas had expected it to be. Somehow, it had been three weeks. Three weeks had gone by since the fire. A busy, crazy three weeks in which somehow, life moved on. After the phone call, Meg hadn’t spoken to him again and everything seemed … normal, almost. His heart still ached, but things moved on. New projects popped up at work, Claire grew and Cas somehow swam upstream in it.

The postman had dropped off a thick parcel just that morning, before Dean woke up. Cas had needed to sign for it and everything - which gave away just which papers had ended up in his hands.

It still lay in his lap now, the folder still shut. Cas hadn’t gotten himself to open it up. Somehow, it felt worse the second time around. Felt worse even though he knew that there was no ring inside of it, even though he knew that he’d seen all the words in the documents before.

“So what happened with the insurance?” Dean asked him, before passing him a cold beer. Claire was asleep inside, the baby monitor outside with them. Cas had wanted to stay inside and be with her, maybe take a nap, but Dean had dragged him outside and told him that it would do him good. “What’s going on there, man? You’ve seemed down ever since.”

“I don’t know.” Cas took a sip of his beer before answering. “They want Meg’s signature on the paperwork as well.”

“Is that a problem?”

“I had to call her afterwards and it... Well, it wasn’t pretty. We haven’t seen each other since the night she left,” he admitted. “I don’t know if I want to see her again.” _If he could see her again._ He still didn’t know what it would do to him. “I mean, we’re getting a divorce. No, it’s not on bad terms but-”

“Isn’t it, though?” he asked. “You don’t want to see her again, she never called about her daughter. You didn’t call her for days after the fire.” He took Cas in, looked from his face to the still closed envelope in his lap and back to him. “You don’t want to open up the paperwork and get it done.”

“It somehow feels even worse the second time around.” It had taken Cas a while to open the papers when he had first gotten them, together with her wedding ring. For days they’d lingered on the kitchen counter while Cas tried to get his life in order. He’d felt lost without Meg, as if part of him was missing. He had to build an entire new routine without her in his life. And it had sucked. Now he had the routine, as shattered as it was right now, and it sucked to have to give it up again, possibly.

“Punch harder?”

“Yeah. Kinda like when you fall on your knee once and it hurts, but then you fall on that knee the next day and you realise that hurt was _nothing._ ”

“Gotta pull off the bandaid one day,” he said. “Look, I get it’s hard. I do. It’s not like you’re buying flowers. You’re signing divorce papers and it sucks. It sucks ass. But you gotta do it someday, man.”

Cas fell silent for a little bit. He didn’t quite know what to say to that. Inside, he knew Dean was right. He had to do it and get it over with so he could move on. On the other hand, as long as it didn’t, he was okay. Things were okay.

“You don’t have to do it alone, man. But you gotta do it. Talk to me?” When Cas stayed silent, Dean shook his head. “What was she like? What were you guys like?”

“Meg was the one girl who saw me when we were still in class.” He remembered the smile on her face when they randomly met at a club one of the few times Charlie had managed to drag him with. How she’d smiled and walked up to him and asked him who he was. If he maybe didn’t want to buy her a drink. “We fell in love fast, you know. Saw each other a lot, went out on dates a lot. She’d call out of nowhere and say she needed to see me because she missed me. In the end I slept over at hers most of the time.”

Castiel vividly remembered the few times that he hadn’t been able to come, because he’d had school work, because he was working on his thesis. “She always used to be different if I disappointed her, which I get. She got disappointed, you know.”

“Different how?”

“She wouldn’t really talk for a couple of days,” he admitted, “she didn’t want me around. Until she called me again telling me she wanted me to stay over. But that was only in the beginning.”

After a while she had also done that when she wanted him there. He would say something and he would hurt her with it, but she would refuse to explain. She would refuse to say what was going on. She refused to have anything to do with him, going as far as being in separate rooms at all times.

“Living together was great. We would get up late and stay in bed and watch tv series or get take out. It was amazing, to be honest.”

“When did she get pregnant?”

“We’d been together for a year, just moved to the house. We always joked she got pregnant the day we moved into the house.” Cas didn’t quite know when the pregnancy had really changed things. “It wasn’t nice, you know? Because at first she was very hormonal and emotional and we fought a lot.” He remembered the fight over leaving the jam on the counter by accident and how she hadn’t spoken to him for four days. “I even slept on the couch a couple of nights. Still don’t know what I did wrong there.”

“That the reason for you guys being on a different page?”

“No, not really. “ Castiel remembered a night when she’d been seven months pregnant and hurt because he didn’t want her to go out to a club with her friends. “I think we just had different opinions on things.” He hadn’t wanted her to because he knew she would drink, because she still smoked sometimes when she was out. Because she didn’t know where her limits were. “She didn’t want to take it slow, kept going and going. Things really got turned upside down when she started bleeding eight months in and she refused to go to the hospital.”

Cas now had a completely different theory on why she hadn’t wanted to go. He thought that she had known she didn’t want to be a mom all along, that she didn’t want Claire to be born.

“She got angry when I forced her to go.” He still had a piece of glass in his hand from cleaning up the glass she had thrown at him once they were home from the hospital three days later. They’d put her on IVs to calm things down and when they’d been happy that she was stable, they’d sent them back home. “It’s the reason we have Claire now.”

“Shit, man.”

Cas sighed, taking another sip of his beer. Claire was somehow still asleep on the monitor, her little hand curled on the paw of her bear. He was staring at her chest slowly rising and falling. It was the only thing that kept him from freaking out about telling Dean all this.

Part of Cas hated it. Hated that he was telling all off this when it was all too clearly over, when he all to clearly needed to move on.

“She left when Claire was just three weeks old.” He remembered that day vividly. “Left her at my office, said she’d be back and never did.” He remembered how she’d put the changing bag next to his desk, kissed Claire on the top of her head and told them bye. He’d found a note at home, on the kitchen table that evening.

_Don’t call me, don’t try and follow me. I am saying goodbye._

Dean was silent for a while, almost as if he needed to think about what he was gonna say next. As if he was weighing his words. “It doesn’t sound that healthy.”

Cas had never thought about this much. He knew the tension between them. He knew that some nights, he was afraid to touch her wrong. But the in between moments had been so great. They almost overshadowed the rest.

“Maybe.” He looked at the papers again. “You know. All of that I don’t mind? But she can ignore my calls for days and then have her girlfriend pick up the phone.” That _had_ stung. More than he cared to admit.

“You know, extra reasons.” Dean tapped on the stack of papers. “You won’t have to deal with her, or her girlfriend again.”

“It’ll be official.” It scared him. That all their ties would be cut. “She won’t be my wife anymore.”

“No. But is she right now if she’s with another girl?” No. She hadn’t been for a long time. But she’d felt like she was anyway. He could pretend that she was missing him too.

 

 

 

It was silent for a long while after that. Dean finished his beer while Cas stared at the paperwork and eventually slipped a finger under the seal. He was brave. He would do it. He _could_ do it.

* * *

 

**IN THE DISTRICT COURT OF MIAMI COUNTY, KANSAS**

IN THE MATTER OF THE MARRIAGE OF: Meg Novak (born: Masters) vs. Castiel Novak

Case No. DG14C2147

_PETITION FOR DIVORCE_

_PURSUANT TO K.S.A. CHAPTER 60_

COMES NOW the petitioner and for her/his cause of action against the respondent alleges and states:

  1. The petitioner is now, and has been for more than sixty (60) days next preceding the filing of this Petition, a bona fide resident of the State of Kansas, and currently resides at 503W Washington Ave, Carrollton, Missouri, 64633. The respondent is a Kansas resident residing at 1447 Maple Lane, Lawrence, Kansas, 66044, and may be served at that address.
  2. Petitioner and respondent were married on 22nd of May, 2018 in Lawrence, Douglas County, State of Kansas, and they remain husband and wife.



 

* * *

 

It was with shakey hands that Castiel found his way to the signatures and slowly put down one on each line. He worked his way through the entire stack and put it back in the envelope as quickly as he possibly could.

“Don’t have to mail it tonight,” Dean said, “but good for you, man. Well done.” He had a small smile on his face and Castiel loved seeing it there.

 

 

Eventually, Dean and Cas took Claire for a stroll around the neighborhood once she was up and wanted to be active. It was nice for a change, a nice breather after the conversation from before.

Cas’s heart felt heavy, thinking about Meg so much again. He hadn’t ever looked back and seen it in the new light. Seen the bad nights and the manipulation for what they were. He wasn’t ready to recognise it in any case. It wasn’t the time. It was too much.

Dean was talking him through the neighborhood, babbling about old friends that had now moved away and about the people who had lived on the block when Cas was there and still lived there. About the boy across the street that had once slipped on the ice and landed into a full split in the middle of the road.

The stories brought a smile to Cas’s lips. It was the brightest, truest smile he’d managed to muster up in what felt like a really long time. Amidst the exhaustion and tension, there hadn’t been much room for them.

For a second, Cas realised just how different this was. How effortless.

“Remember this place?” Dean asked with a grin as they carried the stroller up the streets to an all too familiar house. The blue trim hadn’t changed, or the way that the flowers outside of the master bedroom bloomed, even though they weren’t supposed to. “How long has it been since we’ve been here, man?”

“Years.” There were two cars out front. Cas wasn’t sure if the Winchesters had for some reason invested in another car, or if Mary Winchester had visitors. Part of him hoped that she wouldn’t have company. It would feel awkward as is, not having seen her in such a long time. Being around strangers would make it worse. Still, it would be nice to spend some time together with Mary. Regardless of others being there.

She had been one of the constants during their childhoods: eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the sun on a hot summer’s day, movie evenings with Sam, Dean and their mother, staying up too late on sleepovers.

 

 

Mary Winchester opened the door, a smile lifting her lips when she saw her son standing there. Castiel allowed himself a good look at her as she pulled Dean into her arms. It had been too long since he’d seen her. She’d aged, but she’d done so gracefully.

Her face had fallen a little, and the crows feet had gotten more pronounced. The smile on her lips was still the same, though, and the way her eyes lit up when she was around her son. Her hair was still cut the same way, and even though her clothes fit differently and were different, it was still her.

“Look who the cat dragged in,” she said with a small smile when she stepped back from Dean. “Is that my little Cas?”

“Yes ma’am,” he said and couldn’t help but smile at her too. She pulled him into a hug. “Not so little anymore.”

“All grown up,” she admitted. “Little ones of your own, though. Who is she?”

“Claire.” She was still asleep in the stroller, stirring occasionally. Mary didn’t ask about her mom, didn’t see for a wedding ring. She must have known from Dean that it was a sensitive subject.

“Why don’t you boys come on in?” she asked. “Sam’s here too.”

 

 

They left late in the afternoon, with happy bellies and happy hearts. Cas had forgotten how easy Mary was to be around, how much love she had for everyone that came into her house. She’d promptly decided to make dinner for everyone.

If anything, it had been nice to catch up with Sam and his family. They’d never been the best of friends, but they’d spent enough evenings together. His little girl had crawled up and looked over at Claire from the safety of her mom’s arms and yelled _baby_.

After a while, Dean had taken up baby sitting the little girl and had gone to the garden with her. She’d sat on a play mat and smashed random buttons that made animal noises. He’d played airplane with her, Jess sitting on the grass next to Dean and grinning up at them.

Both Sam and Cas had been looking from inside, both smiling at the scene in front of them.

“Still like before, huh?” Sam had asked, looking at Cas for a second. “Did you ever tell him?”

“I don’t know,” he had shrugged. It was too complicated right now. “I’m not really thinking. Divorce isn’t pretty.” He hadn’t known why he told Sam. “But no.”

“You know, you might be surprised at the answer,” Sam had said before stepping through the doors to join the rest of the family outside.

Cas stared at the ceiling for a while that night, before he fell asleep. ‘ _You might be surprised at the answer_.’ What the hell did Sam mean?


	5. feels like home

It was nice, to have this. To for the first time in a long time have a real home to come home to. They’d fallen into a routine that worked. Dean worked almost every other day in between having a couple of days off and always had someone to come home to. Castiel worked from home most days, so that he could watch Claire and not give essentially his entire wages to a nanny.

Dean had coffee waiting from him when he came home from work, breakfast if he wanted it. Sometimes, he would get a nice and home-cooked meal without having to go to his mom’s.

The awkwardness of it all had disappeared completely now. If anything, Cas was thankful for it. He liked the fact that they had _their_ thing going on. Their good thing, despite the circumstances.

 

 

Cas had gone back to the house twice, both times to go pick up more stuff. There were a few albums that hadn’t completely been destroyed because they were in the garage. He’d been able to set up his new laptop and get pictures from the cloud, but it wasn’t the same.

He was clicking through them while Dean was in the shower. Dean had a couple days off of work and they’d decided to enjoy it as much as they could. Claire was asleep upstairs and they would put on a movie and get a few beers and get to relax. No work, phones were turned off except for Dean’s emergency phone.

Cas had wanted to see what he’d lost. He knew there was plenty that he didn’t save online. There were baby pictures of his daughter that he’d never see again, pictures of the wedding that had gone up in flames. Family pictures from Cas himself when he was younger.

“What are you up to?” Dean came downstairs in just his joggers, putting on the t-shirt that he had forgotten to take up with him. Cas had done some laundry earlier that day and Dean had been…impressed, for the lack of a better word.

“Looking at some pictures,” he said, turning the laptop so Dean could see too. “Seeing what’s left, I guess.”

“You lost a lot?”

“Yeah.” He shouldn’t be sad about some of them. Memories like Meg seven months pregnant lounging by a pool shouldn’t be considered good memories. “I lost essentially everything that wasn’t online. And even then, I still lost a lot of those.”

“I know the feeling,” Dean sighed. “It sucks. We lost everything too. My mom hated it.”

“I remember.” Cas did remember what vague details Dean had told him about the fire. It hadn’t been a lot. “I’m sorry, you know. To be honest.”

“So am I,” Dean admitted. “I’m surprised you remember, it’s been a long time.” It had been a long time. For some reason, it had always stuck with Cas, hearing about how they had had a house fire and lost their father. How John had rushed in because Dean himself was still inside the house. Mary had been outside, clutching Sam to her chest. How he had given Dean to a colleague, attempting to rescue something from the house. How it had collapsed before he could get out. Cas remembered how it had inspired Dean to become a firefighter, to make his father proud. Because he hadn’t been able to do anything last time. Because he did want to be able to help.

 

 

That night they fell asleep on the couch. It was one am when the baby monitor lit up and Claire’s shrieking cries sounded through the living room. Cas’s neck _hurt_ from falling asleep the way he had, perched awkwardly on the pillow.

For a moment, he looked around the dark room, trying to figure out where Dean was. Had Dean gone to bed and fallen asleep there, but not wanted to wake him up? Should Cas hurry upstairs so that Claire wouldn’t wake him up?

“Hey, baby,” he heard a distorted voice on the baby monitor. “What’s up?” He heard the creaking of the crib as the bars were lowered, her cries seeming to be coming from further away. “Oh. I see. Should’ve woken up Cas, huh.”

It took Cas a good few seconds before he realised that Dean was upstairs with Claire changing her diaper. He heard the pull of the sticky tabs and a quick _thank fuck you only peed._ He had to admit, it made him chuckle just a little.

“Is this better? Or do you want a bottle too? Is it the time for both, huh?” It was her time for both. Usually, Claire wasn’t too bothered by wet diapers and she would wait until her next feed to get them changed. Cas couldn’t blame Dean for that being his first instinct.

“Let’s go downstairs and get your bottle, huh.”

 

 

Cas pretended to be asleep as Dean came downstairs with her and fed her. Only when he accidentally dropped the remote from the side of the couch did Cas open his eyes.

Maybe he should have opened them a long time ago. Yes, he had seen Dean feed her before, but somehow, it tugged on his heart strings that he had become so tender with her. When she was done, he laid her against his chest, where she promptly fell asleep.

“You’re cute with her,” Cas mumbled, full on blaming the sleepiness for the fact that he allowed the words to roll over his lips. “Thank you.”

“I was awake,” Dean shrugged, rubbing one thumb along her back. “I might as well. Besides, she likes me.”

“Which woman _doesn’t_ like you?” It was meant as a joke. Dean looked back wounded.

“I’d like to say that I do well with guys, too,” he said, mock hurt. “Guys like me too, asshole.”

“Guys too?”

“Yeah.” There was a small smile on Dean’s lips, maybe a bit of nervousness too? It was hard to tell for Cas. He got it, though. Even after years, sometimes it wasn’t easy to say anything. Sometimes it wasn’t easy when the way people saw you was on the line.

“I bet that’s good for your ego.”

“Watch it.” Dean was grinning now, though. If Dean hadn’t been holding Claire, Cas was sure that he would have gotten smacked in the head. “What about you?”

“I have never been quite as popular as you, you know this.” In school, both of them had been in very different places. Even though Dean had been a bit of a side character, he’d had his group of friends that respected him. People had known not to fuck with him.

But they had also known that if they were stuck, they could come and ask him for help. They had known that Dean was smart and might as well be up to good things, even if he loved playing it off like it wasn’t the case at all.

Cas on the other hand had always been seen a bit differently. He had also had friends and for a great part, they’d overlapped with Dean’s, but he’d never quite felt like he belonged. Part of him knew that it was because in some sense of the way, he hadn’t. He hadn’t quite belonged in the way that Dean had, or Charlie.

When Dean had been out sick, they’d call and ask him how he was. Cas only had Dean who would do that for him.

“Is there a mr or miss Winchester?” he asked, curious. Cas knew the answer in a way, knew that he’d never seen anyone with him, but he still had to ask. He still had to check. “Because if there are, I haven’t seen a lot of them in the time we’ve been here.”

“There’s not,” Dean admitted. “It’s the firefighter life. I do go on dates but, well. It doesn’t always turn out that well.” Cas looked at him questioningly. “It’s not easy being with a firefighter sometimes. I was together with a guy for a couple of months but he just…bolted. He couldn’t deal with the hours and the being called away. He was lonely.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“I mean, it’s okay? Better he figure it out now than in a couple of years.” Which was also true. Better than figuring it out when you had a kid and a husband. Better than leaving and never coming back. “And it’s a while ago. I’m over it.”

“You know, I feel that.” He shook his head. It was true. “Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.”

 

 

They talked about Meg for an hour, while watching a lame tv movie in the background. Castiel talked about the things he hadn’t mentioned before, the ways she would lash out. The shard of glass in his fingers. The way that she left for a month when she was five months pregnant because they weren’t doing okay.

“That doesn’t sound okay, man,” Dean said. Claire was somehow still asleep on his chest, her hand clasped around the hem of his shirt. It made Cas’s heart melt and a grin form on his face.

“Never looked at it that way, you know? When you’re in love you don’t see things the way they are.” He knew that it could sound crazy, that he truly loved her as much as he did. But he did. “I’m only starting to see it now.” _Part of me still loves her._

It was only part of him now. Not all of him, like it had been before. Something about the way she’d not told her new girlfriend anything about them had made something inside him go sour. It had made him fall silent.

“How are you feeling about meeting her again?”

“I don’t know.” She had texted him that she would be in town two days from now, to sign the paperwork he needed. They’d only exchanged a few words: telling him that she didn’t want anything to do with the house or the money, that she didn’t care what would happen to it. She didn’t want to have anything to do with Claire, she didn’t want to have anything to do with him.

It had hurt even more to hear her say that, but it had helped. Helped him close that part off. She’d wanted them to meet up at a random diner. It was the place that they had their first date, the place that she told him that she was pregnant. Weeks ago, he’d have hated it.

“What are you afraid of?”

“That I’ll just fall in love with her again,” he admitted. Even to him it sounded crazy. He knew that it wouldn’t be that way. Part of him knew that now, having mulled it over in his head again and again and again. “Though, I don’t know.”

“I think you realise now, that she’s not good.” Dean spoke carefully, as if he didn’t know if he was overstepping or not. “I don’t think you will. But if you do, try and remember. She’s not the person you have in your head, man.”

No. She wasn’t.

Cas wondered if she ever had been.

 

• • •

 

The diner was calm. Dean and Cas were so far the only people in, with Claire happily sat in Dean’s lap. The folder lay on the table, together with the papers from the insurance company. Cas had seven pens in his pocket, had made sure that they all wrote.

He didn’t want anything to go wrong. The only thing that could happen would be that she could not show up or refuse to sign. He’d mentally prepared himself for her to bring her girlfriend, he’d mentally prepared for her being a bitch. He’d done his best to be as prepared as possible.

Dean had helped him a great deal, given him a pep talk. He’d even arranged things at the firehouse so that he could be there with him. It could mean that he still had to leave at some point to respond to a fire, but he was there. And that was important to Cas.

_It’s more than Meg has ever done for him._

They’d gotten to the diner early. Meg had said around nine and they’d arrived at eight thirty. Just in case she would arrive early. Just in case they might otherwise miss her. The bad news was that Cas had already had two cups of coffee before Dean had told him to lay off and ordered him a tea.

It was adorable, really. How much his friend wanted to help him. Sometimes, Cas thought back at how two months ago, they hadn’t seen each other in over three years. Now, it felt as if they’d never been apart.

 

 

They waited until nine thirty before she arrived, her girlfriend in tow. Dean looked at him with question in his eyes, as if he was asking if this was his ex wife. Almost ex wife. Soon to be ex wife.

They sat down on the other side of the booth without saying anything. The girl, who introduced herself as Anna, shook their hands before ordering a cup of coffee and pancakes for both her and Meg. They would share the pancakes.

Cas almost felt his stomach turn.

Staring her in the eyes, Meg felt different. As their relationship moved on, her eyes had gotten harder and harder. The soft looks were getting fewer and fewer. The last couple of months, Cas realised, they’d barely looked at each other at all.

He could see the soft look in the way Meg looked at her girlfriend though, in the way that she reached out for her.

_This is what love is,_ he thought to himself. They had never been that. Part of him was glad that at least with this girl, she was different. That this girl wouldn’t get the same treatment as him. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

“Meg,” he said, his voice more bitter than he meant for it to be. “It’s been a long time.” It had been months.

“Indeed. Didn’t think I’d see you again,” she said. “Who is the boy toy?” _Boy toy._

“Dean. I’m living with him until I can go somewhere else.” It had been that way at first. Until he was stable enough to find something else. Until he could rent a place. Slowly, he’d started seeing Dean’s house as more and more of a home. He didn’t know how he would deal with moving away again, with not being around Dean all the time again.

He forced himself to not think about it. Not the time, not the place.

“I’m sorry about the house,” she said. “I know you loved the place.” He had loved it. He really had. He had fallen in love with it when they had first gone to see it. He was the one who had pushed Meg to consider it. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Yeah.”

 

 

They were drawing it out. Castiel’s hands didn’t move away from the paperwork. Not as the pancakes arrived and Meg and the girl ate. Anna and Dean filled the silence with pleasantries. Cas updated Meg on how Claire was doing.

The look she gave her daughter couldn’t have been emptier. He should have known that she wasn’t cut out to be a mother, the entire way there. From her reaction to being pregnant, to the way she’d reacted to the pregnancy. He should have known.

“These are the papers,” he said eventually, sliding the envelope across the table to her. They’d finished their pancakes now. “I have signed everywhere, but you can check if you want to.”

She did. She went through each page as everyone painfully looked on. Then she opened the envelope for the insurance company.

“Are these the only thing then?” she asked. “Just the one signature?”

“Yes.”

Just one more signature and they’d officially be able to part ways. They’d soon officially be divorced and soon he’d get the insurance paperwork all sorted. He’d get the money and they’d be able to move on. Finally.

She signed the insurance paper and slid it back to him, grabbed the other pack from the table.

“Thank you,” she said and for the first time in a long time, she sounded sincere. “We’ll be able to move on. Don’t take any offence, but I can’t wait to not have to spend my days knowing I’m still your wife.”

It had hurt, but still, he humoured her. “Can’t wait to not be your husband anymore.” There was truth in it. He couldn’t wait not to be anymore.

 

 

Still, when she got up and left the place, holding hands with Anna, it felt like part of his life walked away from him. The door fell shut behind them and finally, officially, she was out.


	6. late

Dean was _late._

But not in the usual, _we had breakfast because it was a tough_ call kind of late. It was the: _‘I haven’t let you know but it’s ten am and I am not back yet’_ kind. Usually, Dean tried to at least call or text to let him know he’d be that late.

Cas supposed that the worry was normal in living with a firefighter. He was acutely aware of the fact that Dean would leave the house at six am to get to the fire station and that he wouldn’t come back until eight am the next day. That there might be a day he wouldn’t come back.

That there might be a day that his colleagues called to say something terrible had happened. If they would even call. As much as they knew that Dean had a roommate, he knew that Dean hadn’t gone into a lot of specifics.

It was fine with Cas. It wasn’t that they were anything other than friends. In the past couple of weeks, he’d gotten more and more painfully aware of the way that his heart started clenching when he saw Claire and Dean together, at the way she clung to Dean more than she ever had to Meg, even if she’d been around her in the forming moments of her life.

The Winchester family had slowly become the only family he had after his parents had found out about him being into guys too and promptly ignored him. He hadn’t spoken to them since the only comment on his wedding was that as much as they hated Meg, at least she wasn’t a guy. But the Winchesters were that for him now. Family. Dean was family, but not in the way Cas wanted him to be.

Cas wanted to share his bed and wake up with him, wanted to be able to ruffle his hair and kiss his cheek and his nose and his lips. Wanted to be fathers, together. Unless he stopped being a chicken and asked Dean, he knew that wouldn’t happen.

 

 

He tried calling Dean twice, before resorting to sending him a message. Cas knew that if he was just driving, he wouldn’t be able to pick up the phone. He tried to tell himself that it was just that, that nothing had happened to him.

Maybe he’d left the phone accidentally and they’d gone out for breakfast and he couldn’t reach him. That would make sense, right?

His thoughts were disrupted when the door finally opened at eleven am. He had been so tense he almost dropped Claire’s teddy bear from his hand. He’d been mindlessly playing with it, glad for it to be something that could keep him busy.

“Dean?”

“Hey.” Dean looked _beat_. Even though his hair was wet, there was still soot on his face. He looked pale, almost; shaken. For a moment, Cas wondered how a 6′ 1″ man could look so small. “I’m. I really just need sleep.” Even his voice sounded thin.

He watched Dean walk up the stairs to his bedroom and heard the click of his door. It made something in his chest drop.

 

 

Twenty minutes later he came back downstairs. He’d changed into comfortable clothes, but his hair was still damp. His eyes were red and even though his face didn’t seem red of puffy, Cas wondered if he’d been crying.

For a moment, he said nothing. Dean just sat down on the couch next to him and leaned into him. Cas moved his arm so he could lean in closer. When Dean didn’t speak, Cas ran his fingers through Dean’s hair slowly. It smelled like Peppermint. It had been a shampoo Sam had gotten for him for his birthday and Dean was still using it, as much as he hated the smell. Personally, Cas loved it.

“What’s going on, Dean?” Cas asked carefully. He didn’t know if it was okay for him to ask, what _was_ okay. Dean had asked him and pushed him when Cas needed it. He had been the one to make him talk about things when it was good for him, even if he hadn’t wanted to.

It was his turn to repay him the favor. He wanted to be there for him.

“Hey, talk to me,” he said again. His fingers turned comforting circles in Dean’s shoulder now. Part of him was proud that Dean’s shoulders noticeably relaxed under the motion. “It’s okay, whatever it is.”

“There was a pretty bad fire,” he said, slowly. “A wooden house, a family lived there - grandmother, two parents and three kids. They didn’t have much, but because of the state of the house it lit up quickly.” Cas could hear the strain in his voice.

“What happened?”

“We had to call in people on call to come help us, the flames were pretty close to getting to the other houses.” Cas could imagine it as Dean told the story. He had been there before. For a moment he could get a flash of his old house, engulfed in flames. “We were there for hours. Wrapped up around eight. We. We thought we got everyone out. Then they discovered a body by the front door. She was so burned up. The mom.”

“Oh, Dean.” He didn’t know what to say. As much as Cas knew this couldn’t have been the first time he’d come across something like this. It couldn’t have been easier, to lose someone.

“Chief wanted us to stay for a debriefing, sorry I was so late.” Dean shook his head. “You know? It’s not even.” He fell silent, looked straight up at him. “No, forget it.”

“No? What is it?” Cas said gently. “I want to know.”

“They also had a baby girl. She was out with her sisters when we got there.” He paused, as if he was unsure of what he should say now. If he should say it. Cas squeezed his shoulder gently, an unspoken ‘ _it’s okay’._ “I couldn’t help but continuously see Claire in her arms. You know. I kept thinking she might have died too.”

“She’s here,” Cas said, but his voice was thick with emotion. All he could think was: oh, he cares about her. He cares. And that was a wild thought, a reassuring thought. Something he loved with his entire heart. “She’s safe.”

“She is,” Dean echoed. “She is.”

 

 

 

They put on a movie to help Dean’s thoughts go somewhere else. _Back to the Future_ had barely started when Dean fell asleep on Cas’s shoulder and if anything, Cas didn’t have the heart to wake him up.

Cas knew that he should at some point, because Claire would wake up and want food. She was asleep in a bouncer next to the couch, so Cas could get to her easily, but the thought that he’d wake Dean, who really needed the sleep, made him cringe.

And okay, maybe he liked looking at Dean sleeping against his shoulder. And maybe he loved it even more when he eventually settled in his lap. Cas allowed himself to play with his hair while he slept, pretending to watch the movie.

Two hours later, the movie ended and Dean woke up. The only reason Cas knew what happened in the movie was that he’d seen it before. Dean’s face, so relaxed in sleep, had been too distracting the entire time.

 

 

Dean sat up sleepily when Claire eventually stirred and whined. It was clear that he really wasn’t awake and if anything, Cas loved it. He wished he could stay in this moment forever. That Dean could be sleepy and cute and Claire small and that he didn’t have to make the scary jump into the unknown.

God, he wanted to kiss him.

“Good morning, Cas,” Dean mumbled, before leaning in and pressing a kiss to the top of Claire’s head, who was now happily playing with a toy in Dean’s lap. For a second, he seemed to hesitate, before tilting Cas’s head up, one hand soft against his cheek, and kissing him.

Dean’s lips were soft and still tasted like the coffee that he had drank probably hours before. His hand was hot against his skin, just a little rough.

_Dean just kissed him._ His mind froze on him. As if an internal computer just went: error 404 - emotions.exe has failed. Restart?

It’s only when Dean pulled back that Cas could see him stiffen up, as if reality finally caught up with him, crash landed into his garage. His hand went limp, fell to his side.

“Oh.”

“Good morning,” Cas said, gentle smile on his face. He tried to hide that his heart was racing in his chest. He could feel his heart beating in his temples. His thoughts was running 120 miles an hour. “Or should I say good afternoon? Do you want lunch?”

“I. Yeah. Lunch would be great.” The look of confusion on his face was almost precious to watch.

 

 

They ate around the table like a family. Dean wolfed down two servings of his pasta, finally realising just how much he’d worked and just how tired his body was. Cas couldn’t blame him. It was hard work, tiring work, the hours were crap.

If anything, if Dean didn’t love it so much, Cas wished that he would do something else. If he didn’t know that he poured his heart and soul into it. But if Dean loved it, he supported him.

“I’m going to go sleep,” Dean mumbled, before making his way upstairs. Cas was still too preoccupied with just how good Dean’s lips had felt against his. Just how right they had been. He’d longed for his hands on his waist and his fingers in his hair, longed for the kiss to be longer. Wanted to kiss him again and again until their lips started tingling.

“Good night, Dean.” He was walking towards the stairs, but seemed to hesitate on the first step. It felt weird, somehow, saying good night like this. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t worry about us. We’re okay.” Cas smiled, aware that his voice quivered slightly. “I - I love you.”

Dean grinned and shook his head before walking up the stairs. With every step, Cas’s heart sunk a little deeper in his chest. He shouldn’t have been so dumb. He had stepped out of line. Of course it wasn’t okay.

Dean was just sleepy, had confused him with someone else but didn’t want to act on it further. Maybe he just hadn’t wanted to make things awkward between them. Because Cas knew that would make things weird. They had _kissed._

The last step creaked. Dean was upstairs now and soon he would open his bedroom door, pull it closed behind him and this all wouldn’t have happened. They’d forget about everything and eventually Cas would leave.

As if sensing his fears, Trix - Dean’s orange tabby - came up to him and rubbed her face against his legs. Almost as if she wanted to say that it would be okay, that he didn’t have to worry about it. She meowed before rubbing her face against him again and hobbling up the stairs to her Dean.

“I love you too,” Dean called from upstairs, before going to his bedroom and closing the door. Cas’s heart skipped a few beats at just those words. _I love you too_. An angel choir might have sung it, and it still wouldn’t have been as beautiful as Dean just now.

He loved him too.


	7. epilogue

Time came and went in the Winchester household. Slowly, they became a family; a well oiled machine. They woke up together and went to sleep together, either of them curled up on the other’s chest. One of them would go and cuddle with Claire, while the other took care of breakfast. But not before they should share lazy kisses in bed. Dean’s lips were very much Cas’ favorite in the entire universe.

Once the days grew longer and warmer, they sat outside with Claire in their arms and Trix curled up in Claire’s stroller. The cat had long ago decided that, whenever the crying human wasn’t in it, it was the perfect place to sleep. With a warm cup of coffee and breakfast, they’d watch the birds flying around and listen to their chirps.

Finally, after years, Cas could do the things he’d always wanted to do: kiss Dean, hold him, be with him. Cas remembered being fifteen when he figured out that actually, he kind of liked the asshole. Liked him a lot. In a way, it had been Dean who made him realise that he might be bisexual.

It had only taken him eleven years to make it come through. It had taken eleven years for him to open his mouth and say: I love you. He didn’t think he’d ever meant it as much as he did with Dean. Had ever felt it as deep in his soul with him.

With Dean, it just felt right. They fit, like two pieces of a quirky puzzle that never quite seemed to fit before.

 

 

It hadn’t always been easy. Cas remembered vividly the day that they paid a final visit to the piece of land the house had sat on. They’d toyed with it, with rebuilding the house, with moving there, all three of them. They could make a home all for themselves, specific for what they needed.

They’d had long conversations, while Claire scooted around and bothered Trix. Or while Claire napped during lunch hour. It was no secret that the space meant a lot to Cas. It had been the place where he had brought Claire home. The place where he’d, for the very first time, tried to build a home for himself.

But it had also gone south, the fire had happened. Claire had almost died. Meg had left. The place echoed the memories of sleepless nights and fights that didn’t seem to end. Regardless of the nice things, it would always have a bitter afterthought.

It had been with a heavy heart that Cas signed the paperwork. He’d still gone home and asked Dean if he was sure that this really was a good idea. If they had done the right thing. Cas sometimes truly wasn’t sure. Dean would just scoop him up in a hug and tell him that yes, it was. That things would be okay.

Selling the land was hard. It was as if he locked the door on another part of his life. For weeks after, even now, Cas still carried his house keys in the pockets of his jeans. Sometimes, he got so frustrated because the keys wouldn’t fit, but then he’d spy that it didn’t have the ‘best firefighter’ keychain, that they were the old ones.

Dean’s place was a home to them too. It was the place that he remembered kissing him in for the very first time. Where they slept together for the fist time. Bathed Claire for the very first time together.

He had found his home, and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

 

• • •

 

They were waiting for Mary to open the door, Claire decked out in one of her nice summer dresses. They knew that Mary loved seeing her in dresses, loved seeing both her granddaughters in dresses. Cas loved it, seeing the way that she had taken them and just accepted them in her family.

Just the way they were and as if they’d always been part of it. As if they belonged there. Even though Claire was not related to them at all. It warmed Cas’ heart more than he’d like to admit.

“Hey, come on in,” Mary grinned, kissing them each on the cheek and pulling Claire in for a tight squeeze. From the living room, they could hear Ruby’s play guitar hitting the couch -- Cas and Dean now felt _slightly_ guilty for getting it for her for her birthday, with how much she loved destroying things with it -- and they knew they were the last to arrive. That was even though they were the ones that lived in walking distance.

“Claire has something for grandma,” Dean said with a small smile, before pulling the small bouquet of flowers from the stroller. They’d had a long talk about what to do about mother’s day, and how to explain to her once she was older.

They’d settled on focusing on doing it for Mary for now. When Claire was older, she could decide for herself. Even if Meg didn’t want to be part of her upbringing, Claire had a right to ask questions. To seek her out when she was older.

Mary threw them the biggest smile. “Why thank you.” She held the flowers out so Claire could reach them too. She gladly pointed at them and kept saying ‘pretty!’ over and over and over again until it made all of them laugh.

God, it felt good. So good. To finally have a family. To have a home.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you've enjoyed. Would love to hear what you thought!


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